Supporting Others through Grief, Loss and Change

Grief, Loss and Change are difficult topics for most of us. They can give rise to painful feelings from our own previous losses. They can generate feelings of unease and uncertainty when we know that someone is grieving. What should I say? What should I not say? How do I approach this person for the first time after the loss?

Losses come in a number of ways; through the death of a loved one, through divorce or separation, through loss of health or finances, moving home, country and job, to name but a few. Feelings of grief come from many different types of loss and not just from bereavement.

Grief is a normal, natural response to a change in circumstances. It is a much misunderstood topic which can trigger unhelpful communication, responses and behaviours in those around the grieving person.

Sadness Avoidance

I often tell the story when delivering training on this topic, of my mother, following the death of my brother when he was 8 years old. When walking me to school in the weeks after his death, she found that people coming towards her would cross over the road to avoid a difficult conversation. These people weren’t being unkind. They were nervous and felt awkward about how to speak to her. My mother understood that, and it hurt and weighed heavily on her. Unintentionally, people may avoid sadness with a fear of upsetting the griever, and this can lead to misunderstanding and isolation. A girl I once worked with in a high school said that when one of her parents died, her friends stopped being able to look her in the eye. She found this lack of eye contact and connection profoundly upsetting, even though she knew that for her friends it was an unconscious action to avoid engaging in her sadness.

6 Myths of Grief- are you perpetuating these?

People who are grieving can be subject to several societal ‘myths’ that are pervasive in our culture. These are emotionally useless to most people who have suffered a loss. These 6 myths of grief according to the Grief Recovery© Method are;

· Be strong

· Grieve alone

· Time heals

· Don’t feel bad

· Replace the loss

· Keep busy

It is important that the people around the griever do not act or respond in ways that help to perpetuate these myths. If you are supporting someone who is grieving, think carefully about these myths and whether you are inadvertently asking the griever to obey them.

Step 1 to giving support - Listen to Yourself

The first step towards supporting someone who is grieving is to take stock of your own emotions. Tune into and listen to what is going on inside you. Is there a part of you which is;

· in turmoil if your own feelings of grief may have re-emerged?

· uncertain and uneasy because you don’t know what to say or do?

· lacking in confidence and fearful of ‘not getting it right’ when you meet the person who is grieving?

Try to tune in to listen to yourself and your inner voice, and without judging it or yourself, notice what it is saying to you.

Once you have listened to yourself, you will be better prepared to support someone else. Sometimes our internal voice is loudly saying:

· How can I make this better for the other person- because I’m really uncomfortable seeing or hearing their distress.

That poor voice is afraid of not being able to cope with someone else’s pain and is seeking to find a way to ease or avoid it. That voice usually wants to ‘fix’ things. This is how the 6 myths have come into being -from an inner need to protect oneself and a desire to put it right for others, rather than an understanding of how to listen or comfort another person. If your inner voice is afraid of upsetting, or wanting to 'make things better', notice and listen to that voice because it is a compassionate one. Then challenge it with what you now know about the myths of grief. You know that you can't fix the loss, but you can be a non-judgmental, supportive listener.

Step 2- What to say

People who are grieving usually want their loss to be acknowledged and appreciate that it is hard for others to do this. I remember thinking how hard it must be for people to call me on the telephone after I lost a baby. Those dear friends must have dreaded making that call to me and my husband, but somehow they found the courage to do it even when they did not know what to say. I appreciated those calls at the time, and still take comfort from them years later.

It is very important to say something, even if it is;

‘I am sorry’,

‘I don’t know what to say’,

‘I can’t imagine what you are feeling right now’,

‘I don’t have the words to say how sorry I am’.

You can also;

Say the name of the person who has died if you know it.

Ask the person who is grieving if they want to talk about their loss.

Ask them how they are doing ‘right now’.

If appropriate tell them you can be a listener for them if they would like to talk.

Step 3 How to Listen

One thing I learned from being with a close friend who was dying of cancer was to say ‘If you want to talk about how you are feeling, I can be a good listener for you. But if you don't want to talk about it, I understand.’ This gave her the option not to talk, or to talk if she wanted to.

Allow the person to have their own feelings, and do not expect them to feel about the loss in the same way as you or in a way that makes it more comfortable for you. Be asking yourself 'Am I giving this person the opportunity to say enough of what they want to say?' Remember that listening is a verb, you are doing something by being present, connecting with the person, and giving them your undivided attention as you listen to them.

Step 4 What not to say or do

Sometimes that internal voice that wants to ‘fix’ the pain or distress ends up adding to it, by passing judgements, comparing losses or giving an explanation for the loss.

This isn't helpful, as it fails to recognise that grief is unique to each relationship. What we think about someone else’s loss will most likely not be the same way they think about it.

A key phrase to avoid is ‘At least….’ These two words usually start a sentence which has a kind of ‘cheering up’ function, e.g ‘At least he had a good innings’ or ‘At least she is now free from pain’. These might be factually true, but they may not be the way the person who is grieving is thinking or feeling. These 'at least' sentences can be received as dismissive.

A painfully classic one for both men and women following a miscarriage, still birth or loss of a child is ‘At least you can have another child’.

Don't

Ignore the loss
Use euphemisms e.g ‘went to heaven, is with the angels, fell asleep, passed away’
Impose your own religious beliefs ‘he’s in a better place now’
Make comparisons or suggest that one loss is a higher status than another
Set out a timeline for loss, for ‘getting over it’ or ‘moving on’
Try to explain the loss
Avoid the sadness or avoid eye contact and what might feel like an ‘awkward’ conversation
Make your own judgements about the loss

If you are supporting a child or young person who is grieving, it is easy to fall into the trap of wanting to take away their sad, angry or worried feelings. James, Friedman and Matthews say in their book When Children Grieve ’The biggest problem with sad, painful or negative emotions is that everybody tries to fix them.’

You may need to be more vigilant of your inner voice and the desire to 'make things better' if you are supporting a grieving child.

Key take away message

We should not be trying to take away the normal and natural feelings of grief.

These feelings are what help humans to adapt and build resilience as we find ways to cope with life

It is very hard to see someone deeply upset or distressed. What you can do is provide acknowledgement, comfort, safety and soothing. You can't fix the loss or stop them from feeling bad. Grief is a normal and natural response to a change in circumstances or loss. It is not a disease or a disorder which needs to be cured. It is not the same for everyone, and it doesn’t follow a set process, timeline or stages. Offering comfort and condolence requires wisdom, tact and courage.

If grief becomes overwhelming, complicated and is affecting the day to day functioning of life, a child, young person or adult may need more than the support of close family, friends or colleagues.

Contact us for more information.

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